Children and divorce can bring many difficult decisions for families.
Where will the children live? How will they spend time with each parent? How will school, holidays and everyday routines work? How will parents communicate with one another?
But underneath all of these practical questions is a child who is experiencing the separation in their own way.
How do we make sure that child’s voice is heard without placing them in the middle of the conflict?
For children, separation and divorce can be particularly difficult when the conflict between parents becomes intense. They may hear arguments, experience changes in routines and relationships, or feel that they are being asked—directly or indirectly—to choose between the people they love.
Sometimes, children don’t have the words to explain what is happening inside them.
Sometimes, they may have the words but don’t feel safe using them.
And sometimes, they may say what they believe a parent wants to hear because they are trying to keep the peace.
When children become caught in parental conflict
Words can become powerful weapons during family conflict.
Parents may speak negatively about one another, argue about what has happened, or seek support for their own version of events. Children can become exposed to conversations and emotions that they are not developmentally equipped to manage.
When conflict becomes overwhelming, children may respond in different ways.
One useful way of understanding these responses is through the fight, flight, freeze or fawn responses.
Fight: when distress comes out as anger
Some children respond to stress through anger or aggression.
They may become argumentative, disruptive or aggressive at school or with their peers. Behaviour that begins as a response to overwhelming emotions can then create further difficulties for the child.
They may begin to believe that they are the problem.
Flight: when a child tries to escape
Other children respond by retreating. Their distress may show up as anxiety or restlessness. Some become absorbed in schoolwork, fill their time with extracurricular activities, or try to do everything perfectly. They may also avoid difficult conversations.
Freeze: when a child tries to disappear
Some children become quiet, withdrawn or isolated. They may stop talking about what is happening or appear increasingly sad, dissociated or zoned out. A child who becomes very quiet is not necessarily a child who has nothing to say.
Fawn: when a child learns to keep everyone calm
Some children become exceptionally sensitive to the emotional states of their parents.
They may learn what to say to one parent and what to say to the other. They may try to prevent arguments, calm an upset parent or make sure everyone is happy.
In doing so, the child can begin to feel responsible for the emotional wellbeing of the family.
That is a very heavy responsibility for a child to carry.
Why children don’t always say what they really feel
Children and divorce can involve complicated and seemingly contradictory emotions.
It can be tempting to ask a child directly:
“How do you feel about the divorce?”
But a child’s answer may not tell the whole story.
Children can experience complicated and seemingly contradictory emotions.
They may love their mother and be angry with her.
They may love their father and be frightened of his anger.
They may miss the family they had while also feeling relieved that their parents no longer argue as much.
They may want their parents to get back together while also knowing that things were difficult when everyone lived together.
All of these feelings can exist at the same time.
Children should not have to choose which feeling is the “right” one.
Giving children another way to communicate
This is one reason creative and arts-based approaches can be valuable when supporting children through separation and divorce.
Children communicate through more than words.
Story, drawing, play, role play, puppets and objects can give children a different way to explore difficult experiences.
A child might tell a story about a family of animals rather than talk directly about their own family.
They might use a puppet to express anger.
They might draw what their family feels like to them.
They might use an object to represent something that is difficult to explain.
These creative approaches can provide a degree of distance from difficult feelings, while allowing the therapist to work with what the child brings into the room in the present moment.
The child can explore something important without necessarily having to say, “This is happening to me.”
The importance of encounter, distance, witnessing and play
Four concepts from Arts Therapy are particularly useful when working creatively with children experiencing family conflict.
Encounter
Drama Therapy can be understood as an encounter between therapist and client, in which both parties work with the “here and now”.
In the process of encounter, a child meets a “play mate” who works skillfully and purposefully with what the child brings into the room. Rather than requiring the child to recall and verbally describe difficult experiences, the therapist can work with what emerges in the present moment through play, action, interaction and creative expression.
This can reduce the cognitive and emotional demands of having to remember, organise and put difficult experiences into words. For some children, particularly those who have experienced trauma, working in the here and now can also avoid unnecessarily activating distress associated with recounting past events.
Distance
Creative activities can give children some emotional distance from experiences that feel overwhelming.
Talking about a character, creating a story or using an object can sometimes feel safer than talking directly about the family situation.
Witnessing
Children need to experience being heard.
This does not mean that every statement a child makes is treated as an objective account of what happened. It means that their emotional experience is taken seriously.
A child can be heard without being asked to take sides.
They can be allowed to say, “I am angry,” without someone immediately explaining why they shouldn’t be.
Projected play
Children often communicate through what they create.
A puppet, character, drawing or story can carry feelings that the child is not yet ready to express directly.
Creative play can therefore provide a developmentally appropriate way for children to explore complicated experiences.
Children should be heard—not made responsible
There is an important distinction between giving a child a voice and giving a child responsibility for adult decisions.
Children should have opportunities to express their views about matters that affect them.
But they should not be expected to decide which parent is right.
They should not have to choose where they belong.
They should not be responsible for resolving conflict between their parents.
And they should not feel that their relationship with one parent is a betrayal of the other.
The goal is not to make the child the decision-maker.
The goal is to make sure the child’s experience is not invisible.
Keeping the child’s best interests at the centre
In South African family law, the best interests of the child are central to decisions concerning children.
This principle is particularly important when parents are developing arrangements about their children following separation or divorce.
Family law mediation can provide a structured space for parents to work through practical decisions without placing children in the middle.
Parenting plans can address practical matters such as where a child will live, contact with parents and other people, schooling and other aspects of parental responsibilities and rights. The Children’s Act requires a parenting plan to comply with the best-interests standard.
But keeping a child’s best interests at the centre involves more than creating a timetable.
It means asking:
What does this child actually need?
What helps them feel secure?
How can parents reduce their exposure to conflict?
How can important relationships be maintained?
How can parents communicate in ways that don’t place the child in the middle?
And how might those needs change as the child grows?
Children and divorce: giving children a voice
Children and divorce can be complicated, particularly when decisions are being made about their future lives.
South African family-law processes recognise the importance of considering children’s views in an age- and developmentally appropriate way. The Children’s Act framework also provides for children’s participation in the development of parenting arrangements, taking account of their age, maturity and stage of development.
For some children, a formal conversation about these issues may feel uncomfortable or intimidating.
Creative approaches can provide another way for children to explore and communicate their experiences.
The purpose is not to ask children to choose a parent.
It is to create an appropriate space where they can be heard, seen and taken seriously.
Parenting plans need to grow with children
Separation is not a single event.
Children grow. Their developmental needs change. Their school, friendships, activities and relationships change.
What worked for a six-year-old may not work for a twelve-year-old.
What worked during the first year after separation may need to be reconsidered several years later.
Parenting arrangements therefore need to remain responsive to children’s changing needs. South African law allows for parenting plans to be reassessed as circumstances change.
The question should continue to be:
What is in this child’s best interests now?
Children should not have to choose a side
Perhaps one of the most important things adults can do during separation is to remember that children should not have to carry the emotional burden of their parents’ conflict.
They should not be the messenger between parents.
They should not be asked to report on the other parent.
They should not have to defend one parent to the other.
They should not feel responsible for making either parent happy.
And where it is safe and appropriate, they should be allowed to love both parents.
Children need space to have their own feelings—even when those feelings are complicated, contradictory or difficult for adults to hear.
Supporting children through separation and divorce
Separation and divorce can be a significant transition for the whole family.
Parents may be dealing with grief, anger, fear, uncertainty and practical pressures of their own. At the same time, children are trying to understand what is happening to the family they know.
They need adults who can listen.
They need adults who can tolerate their feelings.
And they need adults who can keep looking beyond the conflict between the parents to the child who is living with its consequences.
Creative therapeutic approaches can give children a safe and developmentally appropriate way to explore feelings that may be difficult to put into words.
Child-focused family processes can help parents keep their children’s needs and best interests in view when making decisions about the future.
Ultimately, the aim is not to pretend that separation can always be painless or conflict-free.
It is to make sure that children do not become the casualties of the conflict between the adults.
Children deserve to have a voice. They should never have to choose a side in order to be heard.